It's Hard to Say "No"

Well, I’m home. The Long Trail has been cut short for this one. Some of the hardest physical and emotional few days of my life are over. After four days of backpacking in Vermont, I had to call it quits. It was complicated, but essentially came down to blisters, exhaustion, lack of mental energy, unceasing nausea, and a general state of poor well-being. I came off the trail with two lawyers from "Southie" Boston we’d been sharing a shelter with for two nights, and one of the lawyer’s father-in-law (a trail maintenance worker in the Northern Frontier) took me to my car next to the Canadian border. I won’t lie and say that I’m happy because I made the right personal decision. Saying "I can’t do this" has been somewhat removed from my phraseology, and handling the disappointing consequences of acquiescence to my physical needs just... stinks. Like everything in my unpacked pack.

Why? Why couldn’t I handle it?? I keep tossing it over and over in my mind. Many factors involved, but mostly a pack that was probably half my body weight, and too much mileage in the beginning. I think I pushed myself into a very strenuous physical place, and my body (despite many hours of sleep each night) just couldn’t recover. I could make a long list of everywhere I hurt right now, but I’ll spare you all my complaints. Mostly I just hurt that I couldn’t do what I set out to do. I love love love hiking, and I hate that that love was taken away from me on this hike. I couldn’t read my book, write, or enjoy nature. It was all about moving and I just can’t do that right now. I didn’t take a year off to "keep moving." I took it to get away from the treadmill and learn about myself. And yes, I really did this last week. I'm going to get this hike done this year, just not that way.

I’m grateful, really grateful to be here, now, in Vermont, sitting in the comforts of this cabin, looking out at our hill changing colors, and knowing I can work toward some form of peace here. The Long Trail can be done by this girl, I know it. I just need to approach it very differently. I needed more time, less weight. Perhaps a summer project. The tight timetable is really impossible for my body’s limitations, and I knew Elise (go Elise go - in Eden now) could make it. She is trekking onward and forth, as I will be in the cabin trying to regroup. The constraints placed on this trip - my time in G-boro, the trip to Nepal, Elise’s job, winter season - have made it a tight and inflexible. I think the trail will be something of a section hike journey for me.

Thanks to everyone for being very supportive as I made this decision to get off the Trail for now, especially M&D, G&G, Le and Perry. I love you so much.

Alice